Time keeps marching

That is what I learned this week. It took me awhile. Mostly because I wasnt sleeping. And a week and a half of sleep deprivation is just not good. I couldnt manage to stay asleep for more than 4 straight hours. And the only nights I could manage 4 were nights when I got messily drunk before going to bed. So I would sleep for an hour or two, lie awake for an hour or two, on and on. And so, understandably I was pretty zombie-like. Friday I left work early and took a nap. And slept. For almost 2 hours straight through. And then Friday night I slept for almost 8 hours. Not straight through, but in big chunks. And Saturday I felt more alive than I had since the 14th. And then Saturday night I slept again. And maybe part of it is because the weather is finally nicer. Of course it went from dark, cold and rainy to 90 degrees and sunny. Which seems a bit on the ridiculous side of things. But still. And so I have been thinking about things, since I am fianlly once again capable of thinking clearly. And I have come to some conclusions.

First off, I was wrong when I made up my mind about what I needed to get through the grief and the loss. Firstly, I thought what I needed was for all these people who were held together by this one person needed to stay where they were even though their tether was broken. I knew that it couldnt happen forever. But I felt that it needed to happen for an extended period of time. And secondly, I thought that people needed to be as close as they had been in that first week for that amount of time. And so when people started to drift away and when they started to go back to the way things were before I was really upset. Because I wasnt ready to go back to the way things were before. And I wasnt ready for all these people to drift away from me. Because I didnt feel like there was anything holding them in place with relation to me except for him. So without him, they would simply cease to be a part of my life. And I couldnt handle losing all those people (who had become so much closer immediately following his death) to just disappear, on top of him leaving too. But it was an artificial holding together. They were, in a sense, or all senses, artificial friendships.

Here's something I think I learned though. There is a completely opposite tPeople want to go back to normal because then it wont seem like anything bad happened. Ostrich with their heads in the sand type of things. So they keep doing the same shit to the same people and keep doing the same shit to themselves and they keep doing the same things, because they could do it before, they can do it again. And that is just as false. Because if he was truly as big a part of their lives as they say he was, they are going to keep coming up against holes where he was and they wont be able to get by them by simply doing the same old shit. Because he was part of the same old shit.

We have to keep living. Or we will die. Figuratively or otherwise. Every person I have known and met in the last weeks has had that in common, maybe it was the thing he collected. They all lived. They had lives. They had passion and they had spark, and most of them had snark to go with it. But they all lived. Maybe too hard, maybe too timidly, but they were not just drifting along. And in order for us to keep going, we have to start living again.

But it is a new life. A new normal. One in which maybe we make sure that we dont leave too many things unsaid. The good things and the bad things. Because we learned, too harshly, that if you dont say them now you might not get a chance to. One in which we make sure that we do the things we want and need to do. Because we learned, too harshly, that life can be too damn short.

And while I now realize that the friends that I had, or thought I had, or just made are not going to stay where they are. They are going to keep on living, because it is life that is important, not the death. And I hope that some of them stay friends. Little pieces of my heart seem to threaten to break off when I think about them all going away. To think of not having them around for drinks on patios, for parties, for debauchery in the park. But they are not all going to stick around. And that is ok. Because I know that the ones who are still friends are friends because of me. And because of Matty. We may have met because of him. But we stayed because of us. And so that has to be ok.

I have learned a lot about emotions. Strong, frantic balls of screaming, crying, clinging emotions. I still dont understand them. But I learned a lot. I need to argue. I have alwyas known this but it came out again in grief as well. It doesnt matter about what. But if I can argue about it. Whether I win or lose or cry or lose my temper or cause my opponent to lose theirs, I need to argue. It is a release for me. But I also know that I have to choose my opponenet carefully. They have to understnad that what we are arguing about is not necessarily the point. It isnt about that. It is about something else, it is just a vehicle. I cant argue with Matty. He doesnt like to do it and more importantly he would rather I be happy than most anything else, and so he just agrees with me so that I am not upset. And that defeats the purpose.

I have learned about internalizing and avoiding too. I have seen people drink the pain away. And I have done that. I have seen people keep moving and keep doing and keep anything so they dont think. And I have done that. And I have seen people swallow tears and screams and protestations. And I have done that. I have focussed on making sure that everyone else is "ok" so that I wouldnt have to worry about me. And I didnt deal with things that I felt should have been dealt with. And I didnt sleep. And I turned into a zombie, especially at home with Matty. And I dont understand it. Because I never did the crying or the dealing or the accepting I feel I should have done. But I am sleeping now. And I am awake again.

I get it. It sucks. But we have to keep on living. And we have to make hard choices and hard decisions. And I wish none of us did. Because it doesnt matter if we are 23 or 28 or 33 or 38 or 2700, no one ever should have to go through as much pain as we have had to go through in the last two weeks if this life was perfect. If this life was perfect no one would die without warning. No one would leave people behind who couldnt be left behind. No one would treat people as badly as I have seen treated lately. And in a perfect world no one would actually live. Because it seems to be the loss that brings the life into sharp focus. So while none of us should have to go through this, we all still have to. But no one should have to go through this alone, or without as many people and help as they decide they need. But they have to go on living. And living is a singular thing.

So anyone who has read this far, congratulations. I am not a writer and my thoughts dont make sense even to me. But if you have read this far and you do need help. With anything. Please dont hesitate to call. Because I do. I get it. It sucks. But we have to keep living now. And so if you want to talk. Or not. Or if you need dinner. Or a kitchen to cook it in. Or company. Just call and I will try to do what I can. In honor of the people who are still around, who have helped and who have needed help. And most of all, in honor of him. Because as awful as he was to be around sometimes, and as many times as he made me cry - he cared so much about so many.

I will start posting real posts soon I hope. We watched John Adams. My parents' new boat is heading north in less than a week. We went to RI for a surprise 60th birthday party for Matty's dad. We went to MA for Easter. My Scienteering Science Fair happened. I had a birthday. And a party. With 40 people. The biggest party we had. With good and bad consequences for many of the guests. I dont know how much of that I will talk about. But time marches on. And life is going on now.