Grrrr!

Ok. So I used to use this blog to rant about personal things so that I would be a calmer, less angry person, with whom Matty could more easily deal. So I might as well use it for that again.

So every year since I was a baby my parents and I have gone up to my godparents' for Easter. For the last 8 years or so Matty has been invited. And for the last few years he has been coming. We fly into Manchester Saturday morning and then fly back home Sunday night after dinner. Well this year Good Friday happens to fall on Matty's father's birthday. His 60th birthday. Which of course I didnt know, because Matty didnt know. And so since birthday's must be celebrated on actual birthday's in some families. Not mine, maybe that makes us bad people? Well anyway, since it is his 60th Matty's mom called tonight to ask if he could fly into RI Friday to have some sort of something for him. Which is fine. Whatever. I mean we had plans for the night, we have tickets to go see Bela Fleck which Matty wanted. But they were cheap. And I am sure I could find someone to go with me. Because that is the thing. She called to see if He would fly home Friday. Oh of course, I am invited if I want to go. But We werent asked to go home. And Matty would never say no to his mother. So he wasnt asked either. She said she wanted him to come home. So of course he would go home. Which is great. I mean I am very happy that he is that close to his family. But what I wonder and part of what really upsets me this fine frigid evening is if his sister-in-law is also invited if she wants to come. Or if she is expected to be there, while I am not. Because I am just the Girlfriend. It has only been 10 and a half years. I am Just the Girlfriend. That's the thing that gets me. I am just the girlfriend. I will stay just the girlfriend because we will never (I hope I am overreacting) get married. Because that is apparently beyond us. But fine. So I ask Matty, well, do you want me to be there? I mean they were cheap tickets. And it is only like $20-30 to change my flight. And I am sure my parents will understand and we will just drive up with them for Easter anyway. So does he want me to go? And all he can say is what he always says. I want you to do whatever you want to do. Whatever will make you most happy. Yeah. I know that. Obviously I know that you want me to be happy. That is why I am still here. I just want him for once to say "I would really like you to come and be part of my family." And that is stupid. I know that is stupid. I know that he probably would want me to be there. But I dont understand why he cant just for once say "I want you to be there." "I want you to be part of my family." "I want it to be a foregone conclusion by everyone that of course you would be there, because you are not Just the Girlfriend." Even if he has to add "But only if you really want to be there." Just say you want me there. Just want me there. And maybe in my wildest dreams at some point it would just be assumed that I would be there. Just like it is assumed that Marisa is going to be there. Because I am not invited to things by my mother. We are invited to things. It is just assumed that we come as a unit. Of course if he cant be there, or he doesnt want to be there, then that is fine. But of course he is invited. It was such a shock when I was there for his uncle's funeral. Why? Why is that such a shock? It is family. It is important family. Why wouldnt I be there if it was in my power to be there? And of course when they all went out to lunch after the service, where was I? I was at home, with my parents. Because I wasnt invited. I mean as they walked to their car Matty said "Oh, we are going to Twin Oaks, if you wanted to come, I am sure it would be ok, but I figured you would want to be with your folks." That is not an invitation. That is not what you say to family. That is not saying you want me to be there, to be part of your family. And so when later I was asked while I wasnt there, at the family lunch, what do I say? Do I say, oh, I wasnt invited, I am not really family, I am Just the Girlfriend? How can I say that? How can I admit that that is the truth? So I say that I wanted to be with my parents. I decide that I would rather be the selfish jerk instead of Just the Girlfriend.

Ok. I am done. I know it is stupid and overreactionary and very girlish. Maybe I am just pissed about the tickets. Whatever.